Have I been neglecting my obligations and duty?...I think so
Have I been trying to repent for what I am doing?...Oh hell, yes!
But am I still doing enough to make up for the time I have lost? ... It doesn't seem so…Everybody still sees me as the culprit…

He knows I am in the wrong and I feel the guilt grip my stomach when I think about it.
He has given me chances to change myself but have I ever been moved by such probing.
He has shown me signs to stop but I choose to dwell on the path to ignorance.

He knows I am in the wrong, and so do you…

All I ask for is some time to change, just some time.

The problem with challenges, I realized, is that they are very demoralizing at times. A challenge too difficult tends to erase the hopes of achievements and pushes the weakest and idlest to the end of their tether. The strongest aren’t spared either. Sitting in comfort they may be, but deep within, doubts start to accumulate. Doubts that slowly eat up every inch of confidence and eliminates every bit of anticipation of success. It sure is one uncomfortable feeling.

Sometimes, there comes a time in life when your feelings question your preaching, and it seems, most depressingly, that feelings have a firmer ground in the making of decisions. The ecstatic thrill, the overwhelming excitement, the sweet anxiety that combine to give us a momentary pleasure are , unfortunately, no match to the habitual respect we reserve for our principles, the tedious abstinence we observe and the arduous commitment we promise to ourselves.

Let’s ask ourselves these questions:
“Do I feel a sense of security in what I am doing?”
“Do I have a constantly nagging feeling at the back of my mind that keeps creating doubts within me?”
“Am I acting on impulse or have I thought through this?”
“Have I always planned/desired to do it?”
“Why does it seem so wrong at times?”

Right now, blinded by caprice are those who would overlook the truth. Sad to say, those who decide with their heart in hand end up repenting for the injustice they did to their truth.

The last two days have been euphoric. Yesterday, despite the fact that I had to involve myself effusively into getting a solution for Microbio, I enjoyed my time with the crew during and after school. We kid and joked jaise kal ho naa ho. There was so much laughter, so many old jokes being regurgitated for the sake of good humour. Although I saw some old faces that almost brought back depressing memories (except for Sarah’s – who really has put on some weight – She looks so healthy now), my time spent with my crew gave me a moment to gather myself fast and enjoy these days. My bread-knife exploitation was well caricatured and it was worth a bag of laughs. Aru came up with a new joke (not exactly a joke, but it is very funny). Aimed at Nas, she would bow her head when she spoke of his surname. We’ve all followed suit.


So Nas,
“Arieyanto” *head bowed.


All of us can't wait for Saturday's programme. All the girls will be dressing up for the event - major dress-up for me. I can't wait for it either...

Hey ladies…

Blacks and Greens

At our best…poses?!?

Le chakle phatte…The Bhangra Impulse

A couple of 18-year-olds playing the game of five-year-olds

A humane curse-word: F.U.C.K

Nas, Ally & Sam

Super Friends with “Super” powers

Boxing?...More likely, the “Who’s-Smiles-Best” Challenge

Don’t ask! What was Bev thinking?!?!

Three ladies and a butch

Ahem…let’s leave it to our imagination

Girl Power: Serve you right guys!

The feelings are coming back again…They ceased last night when I reassured myself to sleep that I was thinking too deep into the matter…Even in school, everything was similar to last week. The crew was normal – we kid and joked like always. However, all of a sudden, on the way to lunch, it just crept in. I suddenly went silent and weird thoughts started coming to my mind. I knew I had doubts about it and that had caused me lots of depression over the weekend but experiencing those doubts again just opens up old wounds. Should I consider holding on to them and making life difficult to live or just loosen up and be an asshole to whom nobody or nothing matters except ceasing the day? (rather hypocritical, I’d say).

I can’t do either. I refuse to.

I poured it all out to my bro, Nas and my gal, Aru. She me made me realize that it was all in the mind and I should gear myself up for such incidences, should they occur. Having suffered the same fate, I empathize with her but she’s strong, I’m not. I don’t think I will be able to handle lifelong bugging feelings of betrayal and hurt. I have yet to overcome it all. Jay’s not going to forget it – revenge is in her mind. D’s the one who wants to improve on her mistakes and move on. But knowing Jay’s strength, that has proven to be impossible at times. I just opened up to Nas. He kept telling me that I am part of the crew and I shouldn’t feel so down. Talking to him was like talking to an older brother I never had. He made me tear (yeah, tear…I have never cried so easily in my life ever before). It’s different being dejected (to feel ,that is) when one is at her emotional low. It’s a remedy to have your friends reassure you and clarify that I was the one making a huge mistake thinking such a way. They’ve always been there for me. I should be sorry to think of them in such a way.

J: I was there when you needed someone to talk to
I gave up my time for you like a fool
I expected nothing but sincere support from you

D: She was there to listen to your dreary crap
She was your strength when you were down and sad
Why don’t you appreciate what you have and had?

J: Hold it there! What’s going on here? This’s my moment. What’s your sad ass doing here? Why’d you even butt into this?

D: Well, you deserve to be shown where you stand now. Wait, scratch that…You deserve to be debarred for life.

J: Damn, it ain’t easy to forget.
Tell me, how’d you feel being a reject?
Have you ever thought of the impact?

Won’t you want to know?

D: Sheesh, how emotional! Get a grip,man!


D: Stop whining, I’ve had enough of what you’ve said
What a hypocrite! Why do you even have to care?
Sarcastic that you are, you’re being unfair.

J: How’d you know how it feels being left out?
Deriding me for being kind of “conceited” and “proud”
To which extent shouldn’t I try to fit the crowd

D: You’ve no right to misjudge
You’re tired that you aren’t in charge
‘Cause it’s killing you bad inside

Won’t you want to stop it now?

I would have considered the pass week to be great had I not… We visited two supposedly haunted places. We stayed back in school and in Causeway Point to hang around and chat all week.

The visit to the mental hospital was good. I had alot of fun, truth be told, though I was freaked out.

The crew at the Grange Road Mansion


Last night, we visited the Old Mansion on Grange Road – That is what it’s known as. Before completing such a humongous feat, we decided to meet up at Newton to have our dinner. Ally, Aruna and I arrived at Newton terribly late because we had to take a bus that took approximately 1¼ hour. Sam and Nas were the only ones who stick to their word and arrived at the MRT station on the dot. Sarah, however, was nowhere to be seen when we arrived there. When she arrived, we quickly made our way to the food centre. Contributing approximately eleven bucks each, we ordered scrumptious dishes (only as few, I’d say). Seafood was mostly preferred with the likes of baby squid, cockles, stingray and ‘gong gong’ but for someone like me, they ordered a small plate of sweet and sour chicken to go with the salted fish fried rice. Once we were done, we made our way to the final destination of the night, that is (Aruna will hate me for being so pessimistic).

At Grange Road, the moment I saw the house, I freaked out. I was so damn frantic that I started wearing my amulets. I guess I was the only one scared outta my wits. Eventually that wasn’t the actual house; the haunted mansion was behind it, hidden amongst large trees and bushes. I have to say I hated the fact that I was at the back. It wasn’t helping me lose my fear at all. Once in, I expected to hear strange stuff and see things. I was kind of prepared but I really had no intentions to be visited by the dead. We roamed the whole house and even the back part of it (that was where the rest sighted them) but I couldn’t see or feel anything – maybe I was too afraid to allow myself to see or feel anything. In short, I wasn’t affected at all. It would not have been scary had I been a religious person like Sam, but knowing that I haven’t committed much time to my religion, not being affected initially seemed highly suspicious and ultra-scary to me.

Not to be complacent or anything, I kept assuring myself that I must have seen something similar to what other saw but to no avail. Baffled and anxious, I reached home, only to be told by sister that I smelt like Jasmine flowers. I was like “Shit” I knew I wasn’t feeling good about this but being related to a commonly-used scent in Indian households was over the limit. I had a quick and thorough bathe and went online to chat with the others. Almost everyone was freaked out by what they saw and felt. I felt like the dejected one. At least they had a reason to be afraid – they saw something! I, on the other hand, was scared to hell by technically nothing, and with a bugging feeling that makes you think that something wasn’t right (it ain’t the best moment to be proud of, innit?) How am I to overcome this fear if I couldn’t get to the root of the problem??? When I asked everyone to just recount what they felt or saw so at least I would be rooted with fear with a reason to behold my behaviour, everyone went like “kiki, action ah!” and “don’t be so complacent”. I was speechless. When have I ever bragged about anything I have done (in a serious tone), that I would brag now? I don’t know whether they were joking or serious, but I lost my cool (first time in ages) and told them off. Now I regret. I think they might have been offended and I want to really apologise to them as soon as possible. I hope I don’t lose them. I don’t know what’s seriously happening to me; I’m losing my patience a tad too often. I couldn’t sleep last night because of that feeling (the ghostly thing).

This morning I woke up cranky because I didn’t have enough sleep. Another matter was also nagging me bad. What do I do, man!

Yesterday, nothing seemed to have any effect on me...I really don't know why...I never got attracted or interested to anything that happened...Not even the conversation my crew and I had...It's kind of surprising but very boring to be bored to hell...All of us are trying to gear up for the expedition this Saturday...I am so bloody excited...Awesome! I feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins...I just hope I don't disturb anything or get into trouble with the authorities...Rab sabh da bhala kare...It's just plain fun...No negative intentions but I don't know whether I am making a terrible mistake...I don't want to back out - I want to be part of it - but I don't like the feeling I get when I think of the consequences should anything happen to anyone in my crew...I am not worried about myself beacuse I have faith in God...Although I may not be a strong believer, - main paapi haan, no doubt - I know I am not afraid of being harmed; I am just afraid that I would be helpless should we get into major trouble (touch wood)...Cut to the chase, I worry for my crew...They have no idea what the supernatural can do...

This one goes out to you…

J: D, Get started…Pour it out…

D: You go first…It’ll take a while.

J: Here we go…

It’s kinda surprising, nevertheless hell enthralling,
That a fuckface like you still cares to scorn me…
Yeah, I've done my research; I got the word, no doubt,
It’s kinda sad that your pea-sized brain is still scarred!
By the fact that I conned you, annoyed and yes, derided you
My bad, my fault, at least I rectified for what I did to you
But, woooooh, nooo, Mr. Am-it-all, wasn’t satisfied

D:
Sheesh, Whatever, he almost killed me inside…

J:
Shut up, D, just let me do the talking here!
And yeah, stop whining, gal…What have you got to fear?
You haven’t gone insane, you’re still cracking lame jokes.
One thing, kise nu pasandh na kari jide hai kale looks…

D:…

J:
Big deal! Stop pretending to be a big-time whore
Why waste your time for such a brainless sore?

D: But…

J:
No buts , babes, it ain’t worth getting all so peeved

D:
You tell me, don’t you feel a l’il bit of frustration still?

J:
Hahaha…No! Never…Else I wouldn’t be mocking that
Of someone who’s so fucking full of himself, I gotta say that’s just sad!

D:
You know what, I’m sick, I’m bored of you…
You don’t even give me a chance to voice my opinion, fool!

J:
Yeah, whatever, you’re just pissed ‘cause I’m stronger and smarter than you
It’s pointless to explain crap to someone as self-absorbed as you!

I’m done with you, man!

D: Damn you!



Word to my crew:
Thanks for being pillars of support, Bev and Aru despite the fact that you were only there for a few minutes...
Bev: love you for being extremely honest…Thank you!