Right now, I feel like an asshole for many many reasons.

First and foremost, I have a report due next week and I can't seem to get started. Call it laziness or ignorance...but guilt is tearing me apart and yet I don't feel motivated to do it...Confirm last minute as usual...Sheesh...

Secondly, payment is due tomorrow and as always, I just rmbed I had to pay today...Wow...And none of the payment webpages are up and working....so much for burning the midnight oil.

Thirdly, I have all the wrong reasons motivating me to do stuff like going to school and gym...I shouldn't be so slutty with that...but what to do...Fidah says no harm in appreciating the artwork of nature....especially with so much candy around....

Lastly, I have no discipline...and I hate that right now.

Wicked. Perfect Punjabi!

lol. Behn da takka, Jay Sean, at his wickedest interview of date.

Freaking funny, especially the last minute. WooH!

Source:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asAkuF2MB_E

25/3/09

Today marks my official career as a chef.

Nahh...just kidding.

But yes, I did make a decent non-cliched meal. No more baked pasta or spaghetti bolognaise or curry or wraps or indian fried rice.

I made Quiche. Like foo!. With lettuce, mushroom and onions all.
But as usual, I forgot to add salt to it and I forgot to chop up the lettuce. But wth.

For a novice like me, it is a big deal. I guess it's beginner's luck...lol

Oooooooh...lol!

Shit! Raghav's coming to S'pore and I am HERE....of all places....HERE!!!!!

Damn la!!!

Before anyone judges anyway else, I'm just talking about gym....
(dun go nudging me in my ribs all...going....eh'eh, naughty naughty)

I keep asking myself, what the hell was I doing until now...all this while, I had a freaking gym near my place, but never got my ass out of my room to patronize it...and now, I feel like its becoming a hobby...the pain is pleasurable...make you wanna stay in bed and do nothing...kinda ironic...but the magic's working....lol...soon I wanna beat that ass of Harinder at arm wrestling...*Indian ego*...stupid guy...

and lately, of all things to do, I have been thinking quite often...like literally asking myself if I am serious with this or that....I hate this process....like its not the right time to be doing that, amidst all the adaptation and revision...it seems like I have thought about almost everything (maybe, maybe not)...

I don't wanna do medicine anymore...I don't really see myself becoming that kinda doctor...and I don't have the patience... I kinda like research...I mean at least I see myself being somewhere...being a doc is so cliche..."mummy, papa, I wanna be a doctor"....sick....

I don't wanna oblige to anyone anymore...it's laborious and taxing...I'm sick and tired of returning favours that are way bigger than what I normally asked for...I feel weighed down by a phantom load.

I don't wanna be surrounded by narcissism anymore....it's sickening to know people only care about themselves...where's chivalry...where's respect...where's the fucking courtesy...i feel claustrophobic....like get out of my way if you don't care la...urghhh

I don't wanna think about my family so often...because it makes me wanna cry myself to sleep...it always gives me those shivers, and I end up tearing...it's worse when I am not surrounded by people I grew up with...I feel...I don't know..lonely...

I don't wanna move on from where I am...because, this time, I know it's fucking serious...and I am afraid to be lost in transition...I don't know why I do this to myself...I knew what I was getting myself into and I took the risk...no matter how much I try to distract, it keeps staring me in my face...I have to stop denying...

I don't wanna think about my future no more...because I am scared...because, unlike many others, I don't know what I wanna do...I really don't know...

and, I don't wanna think anymore...it's confusing and it brings back all the emotions that I don't wanna be associated with.

It hurts to know that someone that means alot to you is being treated in way he doesn't deserve to be. Someone who is so nice, so approachable, is being acted upon as rebound or 2nd degree priority.

It hurts.

I don't know why. And it sucks to not know why.

Why am I suddenly so torn down by emotions, I don't know. Maybe its the time; its 3 in the morning but I can't bring myself to sleep. Maybe its the fact that I'm confused about how to react to it. Maybe it's the fact that no matter how much I want to, I can't do anything about it.

I don't know.

Par dil mein kuch kuch hota hai, tum nahin samjhoge

Like I said, talking to him excites the hell out of me, looking at him will literally kill me.

And thats what this did, somewhat. Honestly, no exagerration, I really felt the loss of not being in Singapore; what's surprising is that I felt my eyes tear up. He really does mean alot to me.

Just 6 mins of him in videos, and I couldn't help falling for him again and again. It's like everytime, I look at him or hear him, virtuality just becomes reality and I feel like I'm there right now. I have this longing for him. The mind is a powerful thing and it plays tricks on my eyes. Parts of him reminds me so much of someone I adore to heart: my youngest cousin - the G-lookalike.

And he's funny. Like the intentionally/unintentionally funny person, around whom its always fun to be. I like. It's like he knows what he wants to do in his future, but he knows how to live his present and cares less about the past. This is like unexplicably amazing. It's hard to come across such individuals.

He's like idealistic (for the little criteria I have - I don't know how to put criteria on guys) no matter how many will say I am in denial. But yeah, I fell in love with my perfect stranger and I ain't afraid to say it.

And, he's really really nice :)

It's hard to hold back everything within.

Last night, I got answers to doubts that had decided to grasp my soul for quite some time.


Having moved to a new place, and having been surrounded by so many of his lookalikes, I had thought, what I was feeling for him was just an infatuation. I actually doubted my feelings for him, for the simple reason that, which ass gets excited over boys who look like him in various angles. It's like I liked him simply for his looks. (my stupid brain actually analysed this far and put me in a horrible confusion)


But yesterday, I managed to pick up the courage to talk to him. And that was when I was reminded why I actually fell for this boy/man.


I'm just glad that I have made an important decision. I'm just going to leave it as it is. No more "stalking" (which was quite fun ah), no pressure....no nothing...I wanna keep it as low as it can be...It's more practical that way...


But one thing is for sure


If just talking to him escalated by joy and excitement, I can't imagine what a glance of him will actually do to me.

This ain't a crush. It's the real thing.
And truth be told, he's worth it.