What have I actually dwindled in:
(X) Piano (It's a different story that I can't read musical notes and play simultaneously...but I, for some weird reason, happen to translate those CDEFGABs and sharps into numericals)

(X) Goalkeeping (Name a game, and I have done keeping for most. A big body and somewhat average height can be quite an advantage here. Then again, I am not the best at it. Such a pain, literally)

(X) Dance (Passion, hands down! I just wished I had the flexibility of Channing Tatum and Hrithik Roshan combined)

(X) Poetry and Prose (Words flow out of my brain like diarrhoea after eating expired meat, though it isn't as painful. And yet, I can never get around to writing titillating stories)

(X) Fitness freak (Fitness and me have a bipolar relationship with streaks of psychotic obsession)

(X) Self defense (Why and how I picked it up, I don't know. Never been to a class in my life. But the times I have used physical force even in a playful situation, people have got hurt. Jeez, talk about emasculating men)

(X) Handicrafts (Boredom and obsession has a way of getting me to create things out of anything and everything around the house. Just like the project I started with some copper wires to make an actual functioning forearm of the Iron Man Mark 47 suit. It's a different story that I never got around to completing anything beyond getting the basic skeleton of the prototype)

(X) Cooking (As easy as it is to throw some ingredients into a pot, some of these recipes actually work wonders. I guess I am lucky enough to not only not poison myself, but also cook me some pretty tasty meals. Imagine that - the prize of keeping myself alive)

(X) Archery (not a marksman, but I can definitely shove arrows into targets like the Arrow) *whaddup Arrow reference

and yes,
(X) Procrastination (I can't even procrastinate like a pro. Guilt and ambition are negative influences for this)

To think of it, I have an oddly creative side to my brain, considering my career option and ambition is nowhere close to that. 

Sep 2015 - "I don't trust a man without a dark side"
I had published this post following a short (~2 month) telephone fling with a guy I got to know on Shaadi.com (I know, it is a desperate measure to cure my loneliness). He was pleasant to look at, to say the least. But, daaayuuummm, the dude had a complicated past and an even more complicated personality. And it didn't help that I was trying to play all cool and 'hard to get' all the while I was falling for him. I am glad I got out of it before it took me down (no pun intended). 

Everyone, weak or strong has had a past - a battle with their innermost evils: be it greed, lust, fear, anxiety, anger, heartache or envy. No one survives with a clean slate. In fact, you're not human without a dark past. That past either makes you or breaks you. You need the chaos it brings to your life to live. Life is all about balance. Without the chaos, the peace feels unsettling. For every dark night you struggle through, there is a morning awaiting to dawn. For every dream you live, there is reality waiting to shake you out of it. Like they say, relish the good while it lasts - because you never know what's around the corner. But don't ever let the bad crumble you. Relish it while it happens. Let it tear you apart and let it build you. STRONGER. Stronger for the good that is to come your way, so you'll appreciate it even more. Stronger for the worse that is to come your way, so that you'll fight it headstrong. This is life: a dark past is necessary for a bright future. Each and everyone of us will emerge from it stronger and wiser; but not always fully at peace. We will still have our cynicism, we will still have our fears and worries, and we will still have a furor of demons waiting to battle with our will. But this is where you make a choice, pick your side and live however you wish to be. All the while trying to be as human as you possibly can.

Oct 2014
I am not trying to brag here, but the older version of me surprises me sometimes. This is a couplet I wrote but I personally had a hard time believing I wrote that...because I have come to realise, I am not that stupendous, frankly. So yeah, the urdu shocked me a little.

Oct 2014

"To be, or not to be: that is the question: 

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!"

Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1

It's a question of existence for the meek and strong alike, in this ruthless world - do we or do we not continue to exist? Do we hail ourselves as the noble'd to suffer the slings and arrows of an unbearable situation or do we declare war on the sea of troubles that afflict one, and by opposing them, end them? Let us die, let us sleep, let us end the heartaches and the thousand natural miseries that we as human being have to endure. It's the end we would all ardently hope for. To die. To sleep. Perhaps, to dream. And that's where the problem lies - in that sleep of death, the dreams we might have when we have shed this mortal body must make us pause. That's the consideration that creates the calamity of such a long life. Because, who would tolerate the whips and scorns of time; the tyrant's offences against us; the contempt of proud men; the pain of rejected love; the insolence of officious authority; and the advantage that the worst people take of the best, when one could just released oneself with a naked blade? Who would carry this load, sweating and grunting under the burden of a weary life if it weren't for the dread of the after life - the unexplored country from whose border no traveler returns? That's the thing that confounds us and makes us put up with those evils that we know rather than hurry to others that we don't know about. So thinking about it makes cowards of us all, and it follows that the first impulse to end our life is obscured by reflecting on it. And great and important plans are diluted to the point where we don't do anything.

I'm starting to love Shakespeare's literature. Such beautiful words. Such wonderful philosophy. 

Nov 2013

I published this at the time when I ended a friendship. For what's its worth, I was massively pissed and upset that I chose to overlook his shortcomings, which eventually were really some of the biggest deal-breakers. But, it amazes me that I get weirdly lyrical in such times. (Written to the tune of Cleaning Out My Closet by Eminem)


Have you ever been betrayed and discriminated against?
I have, I've been ridiculed and pitted up against.
Against my own friends for the pitiful sake of a sick mind
Where gossip, pretence and treachery always intertwined
Accusations and judgements, unnecessary tempers went flaring
Such a commotion of emotions, ruthless and hurtful swearing
Now I ain't taking nothing from no one, as long as I am breathing
But I ain't going to forget the shit-hole night before the god-damn dawning
These words are gonna taste akin to a rotten lemon in your mouth
Now you can trigger me, but you'll never figure me out
Look at me now, I bet you're probably sick of me now.
Ain't you wretching? Wait, I'll make you look so ridiculous now.

I have got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if anyone knows it
So before they perform rituals around my body and douse it,
I wanna expose this, I'll take you back to two thousand and ten
When I'd pride myself for knowing what it took to be a friend
I was naive, perhaps even a fag I'd consider that
I curse the day I met you, the day I fell for your fake crap
I thought you were genuine, one who looked right through to the heart
But on second thought I was stupid to expect this from such a retard
I look back it now, all the lead-ons and using me at your peril
I hate how'd you diss me for not acting to your fucking will
I tried to make it work for the goddamn friendship's sake
But you drilled insecurities in me for making that awful mistake
I was only a girl but I was man enough to face the fact
That I liked you but I wouldnt be getting anything back
And you knew this, well right through the point in time
When you'd rub it in about the girl you'd wine and dine

Damn you selfish bastard, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit