Nov 2013
Again, a reflection over the same issue. To be honest, I was pretty horribly fazed by that event.
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You sit by a window pane on a dusky evening, struggling to read the last prose under the dimming light of prancing fire from fireplace in the near distance. You try to end that chapter but in vain, book-marking the page for a later read in better light. That "later" never comes and you feel disconcerted by the uncertainty of how it ends. Vis-a-vis, I feel disturbed at the thought of not giving myself any closure with this chapter. It's one thing to end it, shut the book close and never look at it again, it's another to bookmark it for a later read to see what it has in store in the following page. Now, I feel it's time I close the chapter for good and move on.
Again, a reflection over the same issue. To be honest, I was pretty horribly fazed by that event.
*
*
You sit by a window pane on a dusky evening, struggling to read the last prose under the dimming light of prancing fire from fireplace in the near distance. You try to end that chapter but in vain, book-marking the page for a later read in better light. That "later" never comes and you feel disconcerted by the uncertainty of how it ends. Vis-a-vis, I feel disturbed at the thought of not giving myself any closure with this chapter. It's one thing to end it, shut the book close and never look at it again, it's another to bookmark it for a later read to see what it has in store in the following page. Now, I feel it's time I close the chapter for good and move on.
In all honesty, not only am I disappointed in myself for reacting towards and for harbouring so much anger against XF (ex-friend) but I am also frustrated at not giving myself the much-needed closure. I know I should have dealt with the emotions as they arose, instead of pushing them aside; but I was, honestly, afraid of instigating anger and hatred amidst my exam preparation, especially when I was aware that, throughout the course, I would have to face memories in support of those emotions (as it is now).
Memories have been rushing to me like Death Eaters on a hunt for Harry Potter. I get reminded of the occasions of disrespect, selfishness, deriding, bitch fits, lies and "taking advantage of" that XF put me through, which, I don't understand why, I didn't realise at the time it occurred. I was a fool to hold on to something so superficial when everyone around me kept insisting it wasn't worth it. I should have listened, I admit.
But what is done is done. Amidst all that negativity, I feel like I have emerged as the winner because I learnt from my mistakes, I learnt from his mistakes and I didn't have to play mind games, tell lies and fallacious adaptations of stories, or gossip and bitch about each and everyone to feel good about myself. At least right now, I am able to face myself in the mirror with dignity for being true to myself and my beliefs (and taking a stand against this dead-bit ex-friendship), and for not having to advocate any justifications for my actions to anyone (or even myself) with lies. I am proud of that.
As I end this chapter tonight, I'd like to share some powerful lessons learnt through these years, as with every chapter in life. I have realised that, in life, if something doesn't occur or work the way you expect it, you either change your attitude towards it and lower your expectations or drop the matter completely; but never change who you are, your priorities, goals or ambitions to accommodate it - it's never worth the compromise. Moreover, "friends are the family you choose for yourself", so treat them with the same respect and love you'd treat your own family with (and you have every right to expect similar treatment). And lastly, superficiality (in whichever aspect of life) is not sufficient in giving anyone the sincerest most contentment that touches you in the depths of your heart; one may succeed in life professionally, academically or personally, but if the meaning of each aspect is at its superficial best, he/she may end up wandering in search for true happiness for the rest of his life.